Your burning a whole through my soul ~ deeper goes the bullet with every smile you aim my way.

.[paint].[the].[walls].[with].[my].[blood].[slit].[my].[throat].[cause].[a].[flood].[take].
[me].[away].[from].[this].[place].[before].[i].[kill].[the].[human].[race].

I hate this, I'm stuck at home. I've been told I'm not allowed out, this is the worst thing my parents can do to me, but they don't seem to realise how much I hate it.Because if I'm left inside I have no one to talk to, so I start to think about my life and how much I hate most things about it. Like school for instance, my parents seem to think I like school and that when I say I hate it I'm over reacting, well I'm not.I I'm in year 11, I only have a few more months left, but if I was given the chance to go another school I would. I hate going to school, every morning on the way there all I can think about is whether or not a new rumour has been started about me, whether Basirat well make a commetn or whether today will be the day that Chantelle actually tries to kill me like she said she would. Thats my life. My pathetic piece of shit for a life...

So what else can I say, how about I tell you that you have no idea what I feel like, what I think about. How about I tell you about the threatening e-mails I recieved from Chantelle :

charlotte even though i aint chattin to ray is because of you but why use her that is so bitchy of you right you just wait till you get back to school charlotte how can you do that to someone the only reaspon i did chat to you was because of her but you can forget alls i can say is your fucking raw charlotte think who you gonna have when yuo go back to school? get a life you sad bitch your so self centred no wonder katie broke up with you !

so your tellin me rachels lieing to me ? no i will not but out and 1 it does have something to do with me i told rachel you would do this to her so dont come on messenger gettin all rude with words coz believe me charlotte i will get you for what you've done to rachel and trust me i aint the only one who is so suck out get a life oh and work out what you are coz when your with trendys your not a grunger and when your with grunger your a grunger you make no sense your pathetic get a life your sad bye

you better change your name you stupid bitch cause im gonna let every one know at school what a bitch your so charlottle change ya msn name

Email sent : 12th June 2003 10:49:56 -0700

I hate liers,cheaters and people who think they know me and dont av a damn clue. o just so you know, thats wrong. YOU are a lier, YOU are a cheater and YOU dont even know yourself. so dont try it, look foward to the end of yr 11.... =) -- This e-mail was sent from someone who viewed your MSN Public Profile. If you reply to this e-mail, the sender will be able to see your e-mail address.

Email sent: 12th June 2003 10:48:18 -0700

yes yes fat bitch your hair looks stupid like it did today and every day, all it does is make you look like a blow job with handles! you been fingerd KELLY ? anyway im glad you cut your hair off its ugly just like you! anyway, why doyou do that thing wher you stab your hair into the nearest part of your face! and now cos your hair is so short, you gotta stab it with your fucking finger, right, lataz fatty! (and yes. everyone knows you have strech marks on your so called, fat filled tits. they aint even real, its really just fat) and i know you lost all your close mates. im counting them all off, one by one, first katie b, then basirat, then rachel.... you USED jessica. you dont know how to value your friends, and as soon as your UGLY LONG HAIRED BUCK TOOTHED SO CALLED GEEKY BOYFRIEND DUMPS YOU your gonna have no one left and you will become a loner. not that you already arnt one! so long bitch, go rot in hell, but you would probably like that, suits your selfish personality. o yer one more thing, like jenine said ages ago, YOU ARE FALSE. -- This e-mail was sent from someone who viewed your MSN Public Profile. If you reply to this e-mail, the sender will be able to see your e-mail address.

This is what I live with everyday.How about I also tell you that when I told my paretns all they said was "Well just try to ignoreit"....Sure, I'll ignore it. Like I did on own clothes day, I came in in quite a good mood, I as in my own clothes which meant I could show people who I was out of school, who I was when they weren't there, but within minutes I was shot down.In registration Basirat yelled, "Some one looks like a whore today."Well I can take that I thought, I won't cry in front of people, I won't make it look like I'm bothered. And I was fine until I lunch, until I had to hear from someone that I thought was my friend that Basirat didn't mean it in a millisceous way, that she didn't mean to say it so loud.My so called mate said that, thats what hurt me, I was also told that I hate Basirat because I just WANT somethign to hate. But I don't hate because I just want something to hate, I hate her because shes made me paranoid.Every time she comes near me I have to move away, I can't go near my friends when shes there, I can't eat my lunch with out trying to hear her conversatoin when she's in that dinner hall, that is what she has done to me, that is why I hate her. I hate the fact that at lunch time if I go to sit down with my mates and shes there one of my friends has to coem sit with me on another table so I'm not alone. That is how my life is. This is what it has coem to, an I wish it hadn't but oit has.

Thankfully my weekends are a little less pathetic, I now go to the Cutty Sark where people are kind and nice to me, where I can joke and laugh. I spend every minute I can there.I've made so many new friends this half term, I couldn't imagine knowing so many people. But when I get back home I'm alone again, and my mind wonders and I think about going back to school. I've thought of running away from home just so I don't have to go to school, but I cant do it, I'm too scared. I want to tell my mum how much I hate school, how much I wish I could change schools all because of one person.I only have one true friend that I feel I can trust wiith all my thoughts and feelings, and thats Alix. Rachel a dn Alana are friends with Basirat, they don't seem to understand how fucked up shes made me.Basirats turnt them against me, warped their minds, they worship her, just like everyone else in my school. They can't see who she really is but I can, I see through her false smile and decietfull laugh, I see her ways, her lying, her cheating. I may sound crazy, I may also be crazy, but this is me,this is Charlotte Louise Gatton. A 15 year old girl that looks and sounds perfectly normal and healthy on the outside, I want to go to sixth form, I want a good job, I want a family...This is me.

So yeah,I'm bored and wanna reant about relationships and how poo they can be at my age.For example you wanna get serious but there's only so much you can do,I mean moving into together is silly and having sex is illegal.So you end up getting stuck at a point,and after a while it gets boring. Doing the same thing every weekend cause your young and can't afford or can't do anything else. Then you start to annoy one another,and it soon goes down hill from there.I'm terrible with relationships, I get distracted way to easy, infact I get distracted in life in general.Lily said I go through guys like toilet roll,I think that was a bit OTT,cos since when does one toilet roll last 2 weeks?HUH? Exactly! Oh I know,I'm terrible.Well at least I don't sleep with them,infact sometimes I don't even kiss them...God I wanna kiss someone,hmm i sound bad,o well.I have some one in mind right now..they have goregous lips...Argh shhh! anyway, yeah and also I'm pathetic when it comes to dumping people.It;s like i have a phobia of it, I've only ever broken up with one guy to his face.Any other time I hve texted,emailed or even got a mate to do it....I avoid speaking to boys when I wanna break up.My god I really need to try and stick with a guy....dammit.